Regressing, Instead of Progressing

My word for May is supposed to be "growth," however, I am gravitating towards the word "regression."

For years after experiencing abuse from jobs, bosses, coworkers, and relationships, I shunned the world.

I did not leave my house unless I needed to. For a good year, I was jobless, scared to have a bad work experience again. Through therapy, I learned to rejoin society and notice that these fears were misplaced and that they were holding me back from living my life.

I struggled to rejoin society but eventually, I got a part-time job, I met nice coworkers, I worked for a great boss, and these negative thoughts disappeared. I stopped thinking the world was out to get me.

I would go to the grocery store by myself even though it gave me anxiety. I went to the bookstore, the library, and boba tea place across my house BY MYSELF (back when these businesses were open). These were huge positive steps for me. I was finally living my life, without fear and hatred holding me back.

However, fear has returned. Now that quarantine has begun and the stay-at-home order is in effect, I feel myself drifting back into my old habits. I am reserved again, I don't want to go to the grocery store, I feel paranoid as if everyone is out to get me.

My bird passed away two days ago, and I feel like I am using that as an excuse to be mopy, lethargic, and sad. I'm not taking as many showers as I should be taking, and I am not doing any exercise even though that was a goal I wanted to work on this year. All I want to do is eat and watch Netflix all day.

The only thing that gets me through the day is writing in this blog and creating pages in my bullet journal. So, I have scheduled a virtual session with my therapist.

I don't want to regress. I've worked so hard to be where I am today. I don't want to lose this progress. I'm actually being really hard on myself because I've been here before. I feel like I should know how to overcome this, but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't overcome this just yet, because I am grieving. I should give myself time to grieve.

I think I may just give myself time to be sad because it's how I'm feeling, but I shouldn't let it lead to something more.

I'm going to compromise. Even though I am in pain, and feel like crying and staying in bed all day. I can still cry, but I won't stay in bed. Even though I want to stay in PJ's all day, I will shower and change into a new set of PJ's. Even though I want to sleep all day, I can sleep in, but use the rest of the day to be productive. I will manage my Netflix time. This way I am still grieving but not going back to my old habits. I feel I have to do this because it's so easy to shun the world again especially when I have to stay-at-home, so this is my way to combat regression.

I am dealing with new pain on top of old pain. I feel like I wasn't completely healed the first time around and now I have to heal from this new death. I know difficulties will always show and I will never have time to catch up or be ready for new tragedies but it's something I just have to do. I know I will come out much stronger than before. I have to keep living even though, someday's it'd be easier not to.

This is my life, and I refuse to regress. I want to progress and grow, through each experience, and so that's what I'm going to do. (I'm sorry if I'm not making sense, or am insensitive sometimes. I really am too hard on myself...I wonder if other people feel the same way. I wish my therapy session would come sooner...I really need someone to talk to). Thanks for reading.