Where does my depression and anxiety come from?
Not every memory is a good one. Some days memories come flooding back and I take a trip down memory lane... If you'd like to see more bullet journal spreads visit my Instagram @Onepageofselfcareaday, if you'd like to hear about my story, continue reading.
#thegivingtree
Disclaimer: memories talked about may be triggers for others.
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The first boyfriend I ever had was suicidal and he would harm himself in front of me.
Those were dark times.
I'll admit I was not the perfect girlfriend as it was my first time considering someone else's feelings but I never expected to be blamed for every flaw I've ever had.
I was in an abusive/ toxic relationship on and off for 4 years. I believed I was truly in love at the time, however, love doesn't manipulate or compete.
I was 17 years old, and I was suffering alone. I was in a relationship where I felt alone and I couldn't turn to friends or family because I was forced by my partner at the time, to burn those bridges because they didn't approve of him. He was always the victim, and the entire world were the "bad guys".
It's hard to write about this...
I grew to hate my partner and I grew to hate myself. The person I became, no longer smiled or laughed. I stayed in the relationship because I was hopeful. He promised me that he would change and get help, but he never did. At some point, the foundation of the relationship was broken, and could never be mended.
I tried so hard...
I would wake up every day and pray that today would be a good day, that my partner wouldn't yell or get mad at me. I tried to be perfect. He because almost god-like in my eyes. I wanted to please him, but never could. I was scared of him. Terrified of what he would do to me.
He tried to physically harm me in the car one time. He wanted to scare me by driving really fast and before we were in close proximity to another car, he would slam on his brakes. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die.
I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and became suicidal myself.
I broke it off when I saw my partners, younger brother stab himself in the arm, just I had seen my partner do multiple times. Not only was this person affecting my life, but everyone around him.
I didn't want any part of it anymore. (Cold turkey was the way I went about ending it, for those who are wondering. I'm going to skip on ahead).
My self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth were non-existent for years. To this day, six years after the official break-up - with the help of therapy, I am still trying to regain self-love through self-care acts.
I have triggers often, and I do have trouble being close to people. However, I understand communication is important, and have mended/currently mending the family and friend relationships that I lost. I learned to accept everything that has happened because it makes me who I am today.
I struggle with anxiety and depression daily but I fight. I don't let my anxiety or depression define me.
I am renewing hobbies and interests and learning to love myself every day.
The past memories will always be there, but I'm constantly creating new memories and moving forward. I could not have done this alone though. I was only able to afford therapy last year. All the years before then, I was struggling on my own. Reading all the self-help books I could find, but still carrying a lot of pain.
Now, I use my pain as a motivator.
Yes, memories are not always happy ones, but they make us who we are today. I'm proud of who I am despite my history, and I hope everyone can grow to love themselves as I am learning how to every day. Thanks for reading!
Also: If you need help, please reach out to friends and family. If not comfortable talking to them, there are many other resources, but, please reach out to SOMEONE, ANYONE.
Suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255 (Don't worry, I called multiple times back in my day before therapy)
There is nothing to be ashamed of when seeking help. There are also therapists via text message.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE STRONG.
#thegivingtreeDisclaimer: memories talked about may be triggers for others.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The first boyfriend I ever had was suicidal and he would harm himself in front of me.
Those were dark times.
I'll admit I was not the perfect girlfriend as it was my first time considering someone else's feelings but I never expected to be blamed for every flaw I've ever had.
I was in an abusive/ toxic relationship on and off for 4 years. I believed I was truly in love at the time, however, love doesn't manipulate or compete.
I was 17 years old, and I was suffering alone. I was in a relationship where I felt alone and I couldn't turn to friends or family because I was forced by my partner at the time, to burn those bridges because they didn't approve of him. He was always the victim, and the entire world were the "bad guys".
It's hard to write about this...
I grew to hate my partner and I grew to hate myself. The person I became, no longer smiled or laughed. I stayed in the relationship because I was hopeful. He promised me that he would change and get help, but he never did. At some point, the foundation of the relationship was broken, and could never be mended.
I tried so hard...
I would wake up every day and pray that today would be a good day, that my partner wouldn't yell or get mad at me. I tried to be perfect. He because almost god-like in my eyes. I wanted to please him, but never could. I was scared of him. Terrified of what he would do to me.
He tried to physically harm me in the car one time. He wanted to scare me by driving really fast and before we were in close proximity to another car, he would slam on his brakes. I thought I was going to die. I wanted to die.
I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and became suicidal myself.
I broke it off when I saw my partners, younger brother stab himself in the arm, just I had seen my partner do multiple times. Not only was this person affecting my life, but everyone around him.
I didn't want any part of it anymore. (Cold turkey was the way I went about ending it, for those who are wondering. I'm going to skip on ahead).
My self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth were non-existent for years. To this day, six years after the official break-up - with the help of therapy, I am still trying to regain self-love through self-care acts.
I have triggers often, and I do have trouble being close to people. However, I understand communication is important, and have mended/currently mending the family and friend relationships that I lost. I learned to accept everything that has happened because it makes me who I am today.
I struggle with anxiety and depression daily but I fight. I don't let my anxiety or depression define me.
I am renewing hobbies and interests and learning to love myself every day.
The past memories will always be there, but I'm constantly creating new memories and moving forward. I could not have done this alone though. I was only able to afford therapy last year. All the years before then, I was struggling on my own. Reading all the self-help books I could find, but still carrying a lot of pain.
Now, I use my pain as a motivator.
Yes, memories are not always happy ones, but they make us who we are today. I'm proud of who I am despite my history, and I hope everyone can grow to love themselves as I am learning how to every day. Thanks for reading!
Also: If you need help, please reach out to friends and family. If not comfortable talking to them, there are many other resources, but, please reach out to SOMEONE, ANYONE.
Suicide hotline number: 1-800-273-8255 (Don't worry, I called multiple times back in my day before therapy)
There is nothing to be ashamed of when seeking help. There are also therapists via text message.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE STRONG.
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